what it feels like.

There is nothing worse that people not taking your PMDD seriously. People always want and explanation, "why are you crying", "why are you stressed". And they want to talk about it. Find the source. Some people, most people, can't accept that you are just crying. And that you don't want to talk about it. Because there is nothing to talk about!

I know that many people struggle with depression. And it's hard, and it can be life wrecking, and I sympathize with them. But I am beginning to feel like PMDD depression needs I different name. Not that it's any worse that regular depression, it's just different. Not the same.

I feel crazy sometimes. I just cry and cry. I feel so very far away and on the outside. Like everyone is looking at me and judging me for not being good enough. I try to cheer up, I try to smile, but I can't. Last week I was and “happy” and now I'm a wreck. And no one takes me seriously, really. I can see it in there eyes and hear it in there voices. I feel like they think I make it up. They think I am "being dramatic" or looking for attention. People, you can't just make this up. I wish is was that easy.

I'm far away from home right now, on a trip. and I'm having trouble keeping it together. I'm out of my comfort zone. I was once a world traveler, and did many, many things, and now I have trouble staying the night somewhere. I'm states away from home right now. Making this trip was a really big step for me, especially on week two of my cycle. I'm beginning to think I made the wrong choice. It's no one"s fault, it's just me. This is who I am. I didn't choose this. I don't do it on purpose.

Sometimes all I need to hear Is "I love you, I support you, I'm here for you." Why is that so hard? I think that maybe people are afraid, because hey don't understand it. And that why it's so important that PMMD becomes recognized is a real, and serious MEDICAL condition. We are not crazy, we are misunderstood.

 

Progress.

 

I've started keeping a log of my symptoms.... which I used to do, I should have been doing this whole time. Oops. But this time I have made a commitment to write down any symptoms I may (or may not have) everyday.

The week started off really good. I seemed to be leveling out with the Effexor, I was having very little pain, and my mood was fairly stable. In fact, On Monday when my husband came home from work he said, "you're so smiley!". And I felt smiley too.

By Tuesday I had quite a bit of pain in my feet and hands and low back. I slept horribly. Tossed and turned and got up about 62 time to pee. Wednesday I was irritable, probably from lack of sleep. But I didn't feel depressed. This was amazing, considering it was my birth control "off week", aka, my peak PMDD week. I had some pain, but not too bad, and a headache. Took some aspirin. Didn't do anything. On my way home from work (around 5pm) I started feeling nauseous. Like really, reeeeally  nauseous. I couldn't walk or think or move or anything. I went home and took a ginger root supplement (great for nausea, upset tummies, motion sickness, etc), which helped. My period started that evening. I went to bed, and was fine.

The next day my over all symptoms (as written in my log) were, "some pain, headache, mood ok". However, that night after work my headache turned into a migraine. A really bad one. Dizzy, throwing up. The works. It's was so bad, I thought I was gonna die. It's like clockwork, everytime I have my "off week" with my birth control, I get a mirgrane.

The next day I ended up having to go to Urgent Care. I just could kick the headache. It had been building for the past three days, and I knew from experience that it wasn't going anywhere. They gave me a shot in the butt (I forget the name of it. It's works. That's all I know.) for the migraine and a prescription for tension headaches. I went home, passed out, and slept till 6pm.

And that's where I am now. My mood isn't bad though. And that's amazing. I don't know if it's the Effexor, or the moon cycle, or what. But I'm ok with it. I'm little bit worried though... because it's been so long since I've been able to just be me and not worry about every little thing and get upset, and feel crazy and out of control. I'm afraid of getting my hopes up and then just getting let down next month by my PMDD. It has proven over and over to have a mind of it's own. And it has certainly shown me that it doesn't care about my feeling or my well being. Seriously, PMDD, you are a bad friend.

But I shall attempt to stay hopeful. It's October, my favorite time of year. I'm going out of town next week to visit my family, and take part in Halloween festivities. And LUCKY me, my trip just happened to fall on a good week.

So here's to ghosts, and pumpkins, and good not (and not to you wrecking it, PMDD).

Tonight.

Hot Chocolate, kettle corn, and candy for dinner. Need I say more?

Blah.

I'm only going to write a little bit today.

My PMDD is in full effect, and though the depression hasn't been too bad so far, I am feeling extremely exhausted and out of it. I just want to wrap up in blanket, watch Pride and Prejudice and eat haagen dazs coffee frozen yogurt. And not talk to anyone. Also, I have the headache from PMDD hell.


P.s, The increased dose of the Effexor is going... Ok. Still taking at night. Still peeing non stop. The pain, and burning has gotten better, but the nausea is... BAAAAARRRRFFF! Horrible. I'm fine until I take it, then about two hours later, it starts. And it comes and goes, it's not constant. But when it hits there's no ease into it. Full force nastiness. Like, can move or I'm gonna spew.

So basically I have  about a week left of the "adjustment period".  After that if I am still having these issues... then back to my doctor, and then on to something else. Ugh.

I really hope this medication helps me. I really do. And so far, even though it's been a rough transition, I do feel less depressed and anxious. But I still feel pretty irittable. Can't win em' all though.

Day 6.

Almost a week on the Effexor. The pain has seemed to ease up (a bit). But the nausea is still pretty horrible. On a scale of one to ten.... it goes back and fourth between an eight and a ten. Taking it a night has helped, as far as easing the sickness during the day so I can work, but I still feel pretty bad at night, and the side effects do wake me up. I been taking it around 7pm/8pm. I almost immediately get a headache every time I take it. The sick feeling, and burning in my hands feel typically starts around midnight. When I was taking it during the day, the side effects would start just as I was going in to work, which made it impossible to do anything.

I've decided I'm going to stick this out. My doctor said it takes about two weeks to adjust to the medication. It's been almost one. Tomorrow I increase my dose, so we'll see what Happens. I wish I could find a way to treat my PMDD and Fibro without medication, I really do. But I've tried everything and I'm in so much pain, and down right exhausted. As a dancer, and a dance teacher, I NEED my body. The only thing that makes me more depressed than my PMDD is not being about to dance or teach.

So my fingers are crossed that this works and that maybe, just maybe, I might be able to start getting my life back.

Adjusting.

Today was my fourth day on the Effexor, which is an SNRI (a type of antidepressant). Antidepressants can be used to treat both PMDD and Fybromyla. They help regulate the serotonin levels in your body. Serotonin is essential for both pain management and mental well being.

So far I've been on two SSRI's. Fluoxetine and Sertraline. SSRI's are the most common type of antidepressants. SNRI's modulate norepinephrine as well as serotonin. Most SSRI's are relatively new drugs as well. Since this a my first time taking a SSRI, I am having a difficult time adjusting. The side effects have been pretty harsh so far.

About an hour and a half after taking my first Effexor, I started having a lot of pain in my low back, feet and hands. I normally have pain in these areas, but this was almost double. The next day the pain was a little better after staying off my feet Saturday night, and Sunday morning. But and I was feel really "fuzzy headed" and all out of sorts.  Just really weird over all. I can only describe it as feeling like I had "little bubbles" in my head... which a result of the chemicals in your brain shifting from the medication.

Day three was about the same. I had pain all over, and swelling in my feet. Like I normally do with my Fybro and PMDD, just much more elevated. By the time I got home from work, I was exhausted. I was asleep by 9:00pm. I slept till around 1am and then I woke up with INTENSE BURNING in my hands and feet. HORRIBLE, TERRIBLE, burning. I soaked them in ice water, then Epsom salt, then massaged Camphor ointment into them. This helped ease the pain enough for me to get back to sleep. For the remainder of the night I was able to sleep but had really bad nightmares (which is supposedly a side effect). We're talking like, the WORST nightmares I have EVER had. This is saying a lot coming from someone who studies the paranormal and reads about ghosts before going to bed.

Today was by far the worst. Shortly after I took my Effexor in the morning, the pain began. As the day went on, I became more and more sluggish and "out of it". My reactions were slow, I couldn't think straight. My speech seemed slurred. Every minute became a struggle.  I didn't think I was going to make it. I really didn't.

I talked to my doctors office and they said that these were all "normal" side effects, especially for someone with my condition. They told my to give it about fourteen days to see if it would level out......... Fourteen days???? How am I supposed to work? How am I supposed to do anything????

*Sigh*

So this is what I gonna do.... rather than take the medication in the morning, and have side effects all day, I'm going to try taking it at night till I get adjusted. Maybe then this way I will at least be sleeping once the side effects kick in. In the meantime, I'll just having to live with the nightmares.

So, we'll see what happens with day five, and hopefully taking it at a different time will help. 

 

First offical post.

It is difficult for me to write this, as I am in a great deal of pain. My hands hurt horribly. This weekend was supposed to be "laser tag and ice skating weekend", but it turned out being "stay at home and watch Doctor Who and eat frozen yogurt weekend".

I started a new medication for PMDD yesterday. This is the third in three months. I know that it can take a few weeks for any new medication to kick in, but so far I am in more pain than ever. All the joints in my hand throb and I have shooting pains in my feet and low back.

The frustrating part is, the medication I really need (Cymbalta), is not covered by by insurance company. And since their is no generic brand yet (it's too new), paying for it out of pocket would be beyond outrageous. We're talking like $400.00 a month. So I've been jumping from one medication to another and failing each one. Every time I fail one, my doctor reapplies for the Cymbalta coverage in hopes that they will finally approve. Sometimes with these insurance companies, you have to fail multiple drugs for the same condition in order to FINALLY be approve. It's pretty ridiculous. And sad.

I have been doing pretty well up until yesterday. The pain hasn't been so bad and my mood has been pretty upbeat. But this is the week before my period is due, so it's PMMD time. See, PMMD starts around eleven days before you get your period, for me at least. My mood shifts drastically. I become very down, and anxious and irritable. And because PMDD can cause physical symptoms, this magnifies my Fibromyalgia. So the next week or so will be my "bad week". It's a struggle to even get out of bed some days.

After my period starts, it goes away. Immediately. My mood is stable, and for the most part, my pain subsides. So for a week and a half to two weeks, I'm normal again. And then it's starts all over.

I try to tell myself, "you're not crazy, it's the PMDD", but it's really difficult to believe sometimes. It's like my hormones are tricking me. I don't feel like myself. My thoughts are racing and I can't focus on anything. I become insecure. I don't want to go anywhere, or do anything.  Then, after about a week. I'm fine. It's a constant roller coaster. One that I hope that none of you who are reading never have to deal with, and those of you who do deal with it, I sympathize.

Anyhow, this is about all my hands can type for today. More tomorrow.